This makes me sad...

This isn't about crafting; if you have an issue with that, please, don't hesitate to leave.


When I hear of cases like this-- Teen Girl Writes Heartbreaking Post Before Committing Suicide -- it makes me want to cry. It makes me angry. It also, in a way, makes me thankful.

Before you dogpile on me, I'm thankful I didn't grow up in today's "share everything on social media" era. I'm thankful I didn't have Facebook, Myspace, Keek, Instagram, or any of the other popular social media forums.

I know what it's like to be in such deep despair due to cruel taunting, bullying, and such. I know many were bullied, and it's time for us to share our stories-- and hopefully prevent more tragedies like Amber's. I didn't know her in life. I wish I would've. I wish I could've told her-- and I'm telling other teens now-- IT GETS BETTER. It may not get better immediately. But it will get better in time.

I am NOT ashamed of things, and perhaps if the bullies see this, they'll realize just how much their conduct shaped me... and them. Taylor Swift's song "Mean" comes to mind.

The more stories I see like this, the more thankful I am I didn't have Facebook or Myspace when I was a teen. I was bullied enough without them. I continue, in my adult life, to be bullied on the Internet. A few incidents from my childhood still sting, many more years later than I care to admit.

One in particular hurts more than the rest. In fifth grade (Fall of 1991, I was 10), a girl named Amy drew a caricature of me, as a vampire (my canine teeth are relatively "long", and yes, I am INCREDIBLY sensitive about it). She made photocopies of this cruel, crude drawing, passed them around my classes, and I just happened upon one of them after it had been out for a few days. When she saw that I had seen it, she attempted to shove me down to get the cruel drawing out of my hands before I could show it to the principal or to my mother or a teacher. She didn't succeed (even back then I was a solid fighter when necessary), but she also didn't get in trouble. And furthermore, her little copies of the drawing followed me... to middle school, to high school... every so often, it'd surface again. And why? I don't get it, I guess because I don't have the bully mentality. Was she jealous I consistently got "better parts" than her in school assemblies/music performances? Was she jealous I was often times singled out for praise by my teachers? Was she being bullied by someone herself, and chose to take it out on someone she perceived as "weaker" than herself? I don't know why someone would purposely try to hurt another person. 

I'm thankful for that lack of understanding. I'm thankful that my parents raised me to treat others with kindness, to treat others as I wanted to be treated. I'm thankful I was taught the difference between right and wrong. I'm thankful I had so many caring individuals in my life, who literally kept me alive in some of my darkest hours.

I just don't know what I would've done if social media was as prevalent as it was then. It was hard enough. So many times I'd wonder if anyone would miss me if I was gone. I have my journals from back then, and can't believe how painful and angst filled my teen years were. So many days I'd come home from school and cry.

Like the time I'd been bullied the whole two hours during a band "sectional"-- I was an oboe player in with the flute players, because we were in the same key (C), and the other oboists were in Wind Ensemble (a higher group than Concert Band, which I was in). They criticized the way my part sounded, when, of course, our parts were different. They criticized my embouchure (how you hold the double reed in your mouth when playing), when of course, NONE of them could make so much as a squeak with MY instrument (and I could play all of theirs as well as they could!). They ripped me for everything (appearance, clothes, etc), and then isolated me in a different room, making it impossible for me to get out. If it hadn't have been for TRUE friends letting me out, I would probably still be upstairs at my middle school! My Mom had JUST gotten me calmed down from all of this, and mind you, we lived three and a half miles (about 10 minutes away) from my school, when we turned the corner onto our street and saw an ambulance at our house. My father was having a heart attack, the first of three. Luckily, he survived, but it's one of those events which will always sting me.

To those who bullied me in the past, and those who continue to bully me, I have one thing to say: FUCK YOU. And "I'm sorry." I'm sorry your life was so sucky you had to try to drag me down. I'm sorry the way you build your self esteem up is to tear another down. I'm sorry you were envious enough of me to try to make me disappear. Guess what? You all didn't succeed. And now, when I see you, I see what time has done to you and your appearance, and inwardly, the feeling of satisfaction I have is sweeter than the finest Droste chocolate.

Yes... it gets better. It just might take years. And while it's the hardest thing to smile through pain, to live when the alternative would be easier, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, DO NOT do something permanent-- suicide-- over something so temporary. High school ends; your life shouldn't. Bullies suck, I know. So to anyone reading this, when you feel you can't go on, PLEASE, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline '1-800-273-TALK (8255)-- and live.

To Amber's friends and family-- you are in my thoughts and prayers. Our hopes are shared; that Amber's story reaches the masses... and that another tragedy is averted. That bullying comes out of the shadows, that it, someday, is like dust in the wind.

If you have ever been bullied, as I have in my life, SHARE YOUR STORY. Come out of the shadows. Don't let the bullies win... show them they are what they want you to feel like: NOTHING. NOT WORTH IT.

YOU ARE SO PRECIOUS! YOU ARE LOVED... so please, realize your worth, how much you're loved.